bittersweet

My life has been turned around, shaken and stirred, thrown upside down and pretty much been a whirlwind the past year or so. Actually the past few years have been rather major ones in my book. Let's see, I have:

• built a house
• got married
• had a baby
• got promoted
• had another baby
• my husband was barred for 10 years from the US
• sold my house and almost all my belongings
• had to give up my job
• moved to Mexico

Now, the plan in place is to move back to the US. Of course my husband is not able to because some people in high places don't really think that is ok. And not for one minute do I regret that I moved down here in the first place. At the time there was no other options. I had to be there for Jorge. He needed us around him. He needed to meet his new daughter, Emily.

I have been talking with Jorge a lot about what we should do, what we can do and what we want to do. It is not a big secret that I am unhappy down here. I knew when I moved here it would be hard to adjust to life and it might take a while to get in the swing of things. But, it just isn't happening.

I try to seem ok and look at reasons why life isn't that bad but sometimes you can't put up a front any longer. I know, we should be thankful for our health. But, that is not all there is to life. If health is all we needed then more people should be content with their lives. That is just not realistic. Health is something we take for granted but shouldn't be all we expect.

Being down here has made me lose myself. If a few years back you asked some of my closest friends if they could ever imagine me being a house wife and mom they would laugh in your face. However, that is what I am and I feel that is all I am.

Jorge has told me that he wouldn't feel so bad about being here if it weren't for me. He is affected when he sees me unhappy. He knows this is super hard on me and it might not ever change. It is hard on him too. I understand that. But the difference is he goes to a job, is around his friends and family...has close to a normal life. Sure, he doesn't make as much money and can't just buy whatever he wants, but overall it seems similar to what he went though on a normal day back in the States. The scenery is different but his experiences are similar.

For me...let's just say it is like night and day. All the strong qualities that I was so proud of when I was in the US have disappeared. Looking in the mirror is like looking at a different person. I need to find the person I was. It might seem selfish to some of you but until you are really standing in the same set of shoes, you will never fully understand.

I don't remember where I heard this, but I always remember this, "Only you can make you happy". And I also understand that your mood can affect others. I don't want to be a negative person. I get irritated so easily and I know that is not fair for my husband or my daughters. I need to get back in touch with me. When that happens I feel like everything else will fall into place.

So, I am going to move back to the US. For the time being I will be a tenant in my parent's house and they seem to be excited about it. They wouldn't pass up a chance to be around the girls all the time. They will deal with me because I am part of the package deal. :) I plan on having the girls for at least 6 months and then I will take them down to Jorge so he can have time with them. That way I can visit my husband and the girls will stay with him for a few months. It will be hard, but I think this will allow me to find me again and keep me sane.

As sad as it will be for both Jorge and I to be apart and to be separated from the girls at some point, I feel this is the right thing to do. And, truthfully, I am excited about the change. I am excited to go and find me again.