Tuesday, July 21, 2009

bittersweet


My life has been turned around, shaken and stirred, thrown upside down and pretty much been a whirlwind the past year or so. Actually the past few years have been rather major ones in my book. Let's see, I have:
  • built a house
  • got married
  • had a baby
  • got promoted
  • had another baby
  • my husband was barred for 10 years from the US
  • sold my house and almost all my belongings
  • had to give up my job
  • moved to Mexico
Now, the plan in place is to move back to the US. Of course my husband is not able to because some people in high places don't really think that is ok. And not for one minute do I regret that I moved down here in the first place. At the time there was no other options. I had to be there for Jorge. He needed us around him. He needed to meet his new daughter, Emily.


I have been talking with Jorge a lot about what we should do, what we can do and what we want to do. It is not a big secret that I am unhappy down here. I knew when I moved here it would be hard to adjust to life and it might take a while to get in the swing of things. But, it just isn't happening.

I try to seem ok and look at reasons why life isn't that bad but sometimes you can't put up a front any longer. I know, we should be thankful for our health. But, that is not all there is to life. If health is all we needed then more people should be content with their lives. That is just not realistic. Health is something we take for granted but shouldn't be all we expect.


Being down here has made me lose myself. If a few years back you asked some of my closest friends if they could ever imagine me being a house wife and mom they would laugh in your face. However, that is what I am and I feel that is all I am.

Jorge has told me that he wouldn't feel so bad about being here if it weren't for me. He is affected when he sees me unhappy. He knows this is super hard on me and it might not ever change. It is hard on him too. I understand that. But the difference is he goes to a job, is around his friends and family...has close to a normal life. Sure, he doesn't make as much money and can't just buy whatever he wants, but overall it seems similar to what he went though on a normal day back in the States. The scenery is different but his experiences are similar.


For me...let's just say it is like night and day. All the strong qualities that I was so proud of when I was in the US have disappeared. Looking in the mirror is like looking at a different person. I need to find the person I was. It might seem selfish to some of you but until you are really standing in the same set of shoes, you will never fully understand.

I don't remember where I heard this, but I always remember this, "Only you can make you happy". And I also understand that your mood can affect others. I don't want to be a negative person. I get irritated so easily and I know that is not fair for my husband or my daughters. I need to get back in touch with me. When that happens I feel like everything else will fall into place.


So, I am going to move back to the US. For the time being I will be a tenant in my parent's house and they seem to be excited about it. They wouldn't pass up a chance to be around the girls all the time. They will deal with me because I am part of the package deal. :) I plan on having the girls for at least 6 months and then I will take them down to Jorge so he can have time with them. That way I can visit my husband and the girls will stay with him for a few months. It will be hard, but I think this will allow me to find me again and keep me sane.

As sad as it will be for both Jorge and I to be apart and to be separated from the girls at some point, I feel this is the right thing to do. And, truthfully, I am excited about the change. I am excited to go and find me again.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Valarie you are a highly intelligent, strong woman. Whatever you decide is best for your family I will support totally. As far as losing yourself...I get that one. I was lost for 12 years. And I am glad you are able to see it sooner for yourself. I love you and can't wait for YOU to come home.

Amber

Colin said...

Well, Val, you must not have lost quite *all* of yourself, because the insightful, understanding, resilient person I knew back in the states is obviously still in there -- making difficult decisions with a clear head, bearing in mind what's best for everyone and writing inspiring things like this post.

Heather said...

I don't have to say it because you already know it. I'm here for you no matter what. Anyone who thinks this is an easy decision is wrong. Anyone who thinks this is a selfish decision is stupid. Of all the people I know, you are the strongest. You can make it through anything and somehow make the best of it. Remember, things fall apart so that things can fall together. I can't wait for you to be home! Should I start looking for apartments for you? If I had 3 bedrooms I would say you could live with me, but one tiny bedroom wouldn't be enough for you and the girls. Let me know if there is anything you need.

Amy Strain said...

How is it that Colin always knows just what to say?

You are still you, but perhaps the best in you has yet to shine. I am sure the choices you are making are difficult and may even be painful at times. I support you and will be here to welcome you home!

Anonymous said...

Val-
I am so proud of you. I know exactly what it feels like to lose yourself, and it's especially hurtful when you know the REAL you could be better for your children.

Circumstances make the best of us see the best of us, and we WIN!

You and the girls can live with me for a few months if you want. I have room, and I love your girls. It might be like having my granddaughter closer to me.

The house -- and my heart -- is always open to you, my favorite IS.

Love and hugs
me

grandmamargie said...

While I don't understand all the circumstances surrounding your situation, I do understand not being fullfilled. I wish and hope for the best for your little family. This will be hard but sometimes life is just that way. And as long and you and Jorge are in agreement, that's what matters the most. Good luck and I hope you don't give up your blog. :)