video tour of my house

I have been out of the scene for a long time as far as posting things on this blog.  Not sure who is hanging around still to even look.  But, after reading a lot of new blogs lately and re-reading my own, I thought I would seriously try to keep it up again.

I found a bunch of blogs lately, mainly through this blog, that are for expats living here in Mexico.  They are all here for various reasons.  But, it has been interesting to read through them and see how different people view living in Mexico.

On May 3 of this year marked the 3 year anniversary of my living here.  I can't believe how fast time has flown by.  Even though three years have gone by I can still remember my first day here.  Pretty vividly.  I wasn't happy about it at all!  The only thing I was happy about was being with Jorge again and him seeing his little girls (one of them for the first time).

Since May 2008 lots of changed. Mainly my attitude, my income, and our house.  Over time I stopped waiting to live life (mainly hoping for the chance for us to get back to the US) and started living it.  Once I accepted that I was here, things started to just feel normal.  At the beginning I never thought that would happen, but it eventually did.

I came down here with a part-time job that I could do from here over the internet with the company that I worked for full-time before I left.  That income was basically allowing me to keep paying our car payment, insurance and other various debts.  That came to an end and as most of you know, I moved back to the States thinking I could get a job and Jorge and I could share the girls.  That didn't last very long.  It just felt wrong.  So, I borrowed some money to put in savings from great friends and saved from the job that I got and moved back with no job.  About 4 months after coming back another awesome friend called and asked if I would like to work for him.  I could do it from here in Mexico.  I didn't have to think twice.  That was last July and I have been working ever sense.  I work about 30 hours a week and the job has changed our lives.  The income always us to be comfortable.  I couldn't be more thankful!

And to the house.  When I first came here the only belongs I had were what I packed into our Pacifica.  It was me, Bella (16 months at the time), Emily (2 months at the time) and everything that I could fit.  Also, a friend was taking a truck down and he filled the cabin with our clothes and brought down our crib.  Since the first time I have made the 36 hour drive probably 3 more times.  It is a LONG drive.  But, each of those times I packed the car as full as it could be and brought more stuff down.  Now the empty house that we rented is more full than ever and is our home.

I know I have posted pictures of parts of the house over time, but I don't think I have ever taken video to have sort of a virtual tour.  Today I took some video for you.  Now you can tour my house even though most of you will never take a step through my front door.

Hope you enjoy!

 (click on the video twice and it will take you to the Youtube page for a bigger video)

photos...the good and the bad

Pictures are great. They capture times that you wish to always remember. But, at the same time they are rather good at being painful. The digital age allows us to look back so easily at all those good times. It is those same good times that can sometimes bring you heartbreak.

I was just looking at some older pictures on my computer and came across these pictures of Bella and Emily within a week of Emily being born. How small both of them were.




I also ran across these pictures. They are of the times when life made sense and things seemed to be going well. We were building a life. Thoughts of the girls running around in the backyard, playing in a blow-up pool, cookouts with family and friends. Trips to Kroger to get anything you need. Just a different time.

We had just had the house built. We opted again the builder putting down sod and did it ourselves. Having no grass allowed us to easily (well, let's use that term lightly) put a patio out back. Jorge was so proud of himself. He did it pretty much all by himself. It is all this work and love for something that makes it hard when you look back at what you had. I realize that all of these things are just that, things. But, they are also a life, a start of a family, and a comfortable way of life. These are the things when I think about them makes this journey a bit harder to swallow.


So, when I see pictures of the house it makes me think about how easy and nice life seemed to be. Not that it was always peachy keen, just now I want it back. The house we rent now is not uncomfortable and other than not having a dishwasher and garbage disposal, it has all the comforts of an average house. I guess it wasn't what I wanted or planned so it might never be good enough. I need to get over it, I know, but how?

(That is Bella on the corner of the couch.)

When I get sad about being here Jorge is always sweet about it. He asks me if I want to go back, back to the US. The problem is there is nothing to go back to. The good days I have here are ones where I just don't think about anything. My average day is working on the computer, doing dishes and/or laundry, feeding/bathing/playing with the girls and watching TV then going to bed. A girl can only stay in that state for so long and that is when I have my bad days.

I am not even having a bad day today, just this seems to be on my mind. I think I am trying to figure out how to deal with this. You would think after a year I would be used to all of it and stop thinking about. I guess not, though.

one year

Yesterday marked my one year anniversary of being in Mexico. It was yesterday one year ago that I crossed the border in Nuevo Laredo to move down here. It was a long and rough trip and I didn't think I was going to make it.

About 4 am on May 2, 2008 I headed out of my house for the last time on Wildcat Run Lane with the Pacifica loaded and with Emily and Bella. We had a lot of road ahead of us. Emily was 2 months and Bella was 16 months. I didn't know what I was getting into. I am sure most people that I was nuts for doing it alone. To me I didn't want to intrude on anyone else. I thought this way I could push through the crying and drive just a bit longer or I could stop as much as we needed (to change diapers, mix formula or whatever) without bothering anyone.

Thanks to many, I had enough gas cards to make it almost the entire way to the border. I also got a McDonald's gift card and that was our stop of choice. We still have those Happy Meal toys (American Idol toys to be exact).



I had pretty much been an emotional wreck for those last 3 months in the States. It was February 5, 2008 that I got the call from Jorge telling me they had barred him for 10 years. I was 8 months pregnant with Emily and realized that I was on my own. It didn't take us long to come to the conclusion that I would be moving to Mexico. I decided that I would have Emily, wait for the birth certificate and social security card and then head down.



I had to pack up my entire life and move. I sold as much as I could. I moved a few dressers to my mom's house and had the crib sent down to Mexico, but all other furniture slowly vanished from the house.



I had a massive garage sale where I made over $1500 for my belongings. I occasionally would grab items from the sale and take them in the house, always thinking I could make room in the car. And, let me tell you, it is an odd feeling to sell things you really weren't wanting to part with.



After 18 hours on the road I just couldn't go any further. I had originally planned to get to Austin, but 10 pm rolled around and I was exhausted! I decided to look for a hotel. Problem was that everyone else was too. It was right around graduation time and they were having all these conferences at that time. Let me tell you it is not the easiest thing running in to the hotels just to be told they had no rooms with the girls. Finally I stumbled across a hotel with ONE room left. I took it!



The next morning I woke up to find a flat tire. Remember, I have the Pacifica packed so full that I don't think a mouse could have farted in there. Well, that is where the spare is. It was 6 am and I was in full on panic. At this point all I wanted to do is get on the road and cross the border to find Jorge. He had taken a bus to the border so he could drive the rest of the way down. Plus, we just wanted to see him after our three month separation. I asked the guy at the front desk and he was no help. He handed me the phone book. Thanks, buddy! No place was open or if I did get a hold of someone it was a million hour wait. Finally I got a hold of a guy that said he would be right over. He said he could patch the tire so I could drive and get a new one. There was a Wal-Mart that the automotive department opened at 7 am. Thankfully they had my tire in stock. I think they only had 2, but I only needed one.



After a few tears and more stress, I finally got back on the road. We crossed over the border and immigration on the Mexican side was kind and just let me through. They didn't care about what I had in the car. I guess they saw a white girl and her two little girls and thought I wouldn't be carrying any guns or money. He asked if I knew where I was going and told me to be careful and keep my windows ups. There are people that stand on the corners of the intersections and ask for money.




I knew where the building was to check in me and the vehicle. I was there 2 years ago. I pulled into the parking lot and immediately saw Jorge! What a relief! I suddenly felt ok. I think I was just tired of doing it alone.

(First time Jorge saw Emily!)

We got to Jalostotitlan the next day because we had to stay in a hotel due to the tire issue that previous morning. I was happy to be here but at the same time I couldn't believe how much I left behind.

It took about 3 months to get past all the stress and sadness that I was experiencing. I had major culture shock. Nothing was the same. My life had changed overnight and not by choice. After that period I felt ok. Of course I have good and bad days. But, it has now been a year. I don't know what the future holds but I have come to realize that is not what life is about. It is the present not the future that counts. Concentrate on what is at hand and things will hopefully work out.

bad day

The drive to the border put me in a funk I wasn't expecting or wanting. I just can't shake this mood I am in. I just started walking in a very long tunnel and I am ready to see the light at the end but I don't think it is ever going to come.

I think I am just losing the battle. I came to Mexico with several thousands of dollars and it is basically gone (bills, moving expenses, furniture, you name it). I came to Mexico with hope and it is gone. I came to Mexico thinking this might not be that bad and so far that thought is gone.

I am now in the "what if" stage. What happens when I don't have a job anymore? At some point I am assuming that will happen. How will we survive on such little money? How will I provide for my children? How will we be able to keep the car? How will we pay rent and other bills? How will we manage for several years? Will I have to go back and our family will have to be torn apart? I just want to stomp my feet and yell "this isn't fair" but I know that won't help.

This curve ball life has thrown at me is challenging me in every possible way. I am exhausted from all the battles. I am ready for something to go right. I am ready for someone to tell me that it will all be OK and it be true. I am ready for it to start getting easier. I am ready to stop feeling like crap. I am ready to feel like I have a life instead of feeling like I am waiting for something.

I probably will never be able to explain how I feel exactly. I usually hide all my feelings deep down inside because it just eats up at Jorge too much when I let them fly. He feels it is his fault that I am here. And I would never put the blame on him.

For the first couple months I couldn't stop being sad and very emotional and it just made him depressed and he told me to go back. How can I not be with my husband? I don't have that ability to be away from him for long periods of time. How can I take his children away from him? It is not like they are older and can understand. They are babies and need him around. He needs them around.

This entry is not the kind of entry I intended to be on this blog but right now it is all I can think about so I am hoping by writing it some of the feelings will disolve.

I told Jorge we need to go for a walk downtown and try to forget about our bad luck. I might take the camera and take pictures for all of you.
I promise a happier more upbeat post next time.

the border

We had to drive up to the border yesterday in order to renew the permit on our car. The picture above is where we had to go. There is no way around the 11 hour drive (one way). They have to physically remove the sticker from your windshield and the person the vehicle is registered to has to be present. So, every six months we have to repeat this process. FUN!!

The whole way up I didn't feel anything, just anxious to get this drive over. Once we got into Nuevo Laredo I started thinking about how close we were to the US border. The road that leads us to the building to do all the paperwork runs parallel with the small river that separates the US from Mexico. I could have thrown a rock and have it land in Laredo, TX.

I was MAD! Almost crying mad. I didn't think I would have any bad feelings, but being so close and seeing the US was heart wrenching. You could see Wendy's, McDonald's, hotels, banks and homes in the US. I just sat there in the car thinking how ridiculous it was that we can't cross that stupid border. Well, I can but my husband can't.

How is that OK? I know he did something that by law he was not supposed to do, crossed the border illegally. But, why is it not OK for some people to come to the US? The United States is a melting pot of every nationality. My great grandmother came from Germany. What family can go back a few generations and claim to have been from the US?

It is just so frustrating going through this whole process. The not knowing is killing me and I am just short of 6 months into the situation.

I have been so removed from the US this whole time that it is easy to not think about it. Yes, I think about things I don't have here (like groceries and such), but I don't really think about *it*. I stay in the house most of the time and avoid reality.

Being yards away from the US just put a stake through my heart. It is something I want so badly but feel helpless to get it.

I know I should just accept this and be thankful for everything I have but sometimes that is not easy. We have our health and that is more than some people can say so I will try and think of it that way.

five months and counting

I have been living in Jalostotitlan, Jalisco, Mexico for just over 5 months now. It is definitely a different world down here. Third World to be exact.

It has been great (most of the time) to be with the girls as a stay-at-home mom. Seeing them grow and learn everything is something I wouldn't have been able to do as much in the US. Bella is already 21 months and Emily is 7 months.
Life is predictable down here. Every day is pretty much the same as the day before. It is easy to lose track of what day it is. Surprisingly time is going by quickly. Not quick enough as far as our 10 year stint. Hopefully (crossing fingers) it won't be 10 yeas. We don't look ahead that far anymore. We concentrate on the present. The lesson was a hard one to learn.
We have been blessed with the support of everyone and the understanding that this is unfortunately something we had to do. It is hard being thousands of miles away from all my family and friends. I get homesick every now and again.

For Jorge this has been a double-edged sword. He gets to see family now, but he had been Americanized so he misses the States a lot. We had a great life started there and we had to up-root everything and start over.

I thought I would start (again) writing a blog so people can see what my life is like down here. Also, it will be interesting to read older post to see how my attitude changes about different situations.

I hope you enjoy reading the entries and hope that I can make them interesting enough for repeat business.

Thank goodness for technology. It has kept me sane in all of the madness of this whole mess.