The drive to the border put me in a funk I wasn't expecting or wanting. I just can't shake this mood I am in. I just started walking in a very long tunnel and I am ready to see the light at the end but I don't think it is ever going to come.
I think I am just losing the battle. I came to Mexico with several thousands of dollars and it is basically gone (bills, moving expenses, furniture, you name it). I came to Mexico with hope and it is gone. I came to Mexico thinking this might not be that bad and so far that thought is gone.
I am now in the "what if" stage. What happens when I don't have a job anymore? At some point I am assuming that will happen. How will we survive on such little money? How will I provide for my children? How will we be able to keep the car? How will we pay rent and other bills? How will we manage for several years? Will I have to go back and our family will have to be torn apart? I just want to stomp my feet and yell "this isn't fair" but I know that won't help.
This curve ball life has thrown at me is challenging me in every possible way. I am exhausted from all the battles. I am ready for something to go right. I am ready for someone to tell me that it will all be OK and it be true. I am ready for it to start getting easier. I am ready to stop feeling like crap. I am ready to feel like I have a life instead of feeling like I am waiting for something.
I probably will never be able to explain how I feel exactly. I usually hide all my feelings deep down inside because it just eats up at Jorge too much when I let them fly. He feels it is his fault that I am here. And I would never put the blame on him.
For the first couple months I couldn't stop being sad and very emotional and it just made him depressed and he told me to go back. How can I not be with my husband? I don't have that ability to be away from him for long periods of time. How can I take his children away from him? It is not like they are older and can understand. They are babies and need him around. He needs them around.
This entry is not the kind of entry I intended to be on this blog but right now it is all I can think about so I am hoping by writing it some of the feelings will disolve.
I told Jorge we need to go for a walk downtown and try to forget about our bad luck. I might take the camera and take pictures for all of you.
I promise a happier more upbeat post next time.