Saturday, October 25, 2008

bad day

The drive to the border put me in a funk I wasn't expecting or wanting. I just can't shake this mood I am in. I just started walking in a very long tunnel and I am ready to see the light at the end but I don't think it is ever going to come.

I think I am just losing the battle. I came to Mexico with several thousands of dollars and it is basically gone (bills, moving expenses, furniture, you name it). I came to Mexico with hope and it is gone. I came to Mexico thinking this might not be that bad and so far that thought is gone.

I am now in the "what if" stage. What happens when I don't have a job anymore? At some point I am assuming that will happen. How will we survive on such little money? How will I provide for my children? How will we be able to keep the car? How will we pay rent and other bills? How will we manage for several years? Will I have to go back and our family will have to be torn apart? I just want to stomp my feet and yell "this isn't fair" but I know that won't help.

This curve ball life has thrown at me is challenging me in every possible way. I am exhausted from all the battles. I am ready for something to go right. I am ready for someone to tell me that it will all be OK and it be true. I am ready for it to start getting easier. I am ready to stop feeling like crap. I am ready to feel like I have a life instead of feeling like I am waiting for something.

I probably will never be able to explain how I feel exactly. I usually hide all my feelings deep down inside because it just eats up at Jorge too much when I let them fly. He feels it is his fault that I am here. And I would never put the blame on him.

For the first couple months I couldn't stop being sad and very emotional and it just made him depressed and he told me to go back. How can I not be with my husband? I don't have that ability to be away from him for long periods of time. How can I take his children away from him? It is not like they are older and can understand. They are babies and need him around. He needs them around.

This entry is not the kind of entry I intended to be on this blog but right now it is all I can think about so I am hoping by writing it some of the feelings will disolve.

I told Jorge we need to go for a walk downtown and try to forget about our bad luck. I might take the camera and take pictures for all of you.
I promise a happier more upbeat post next time.


Amy Strain said...

Oh Val,
I can hear pain and unhappiness in your writing. While our worlds are far apart, I have felt pain and desire and longing and know the frustration that comes with it. I know that no matter what I say, I can't change the reality of the situation. I wish there was something I could do for you!


Anonymous said...

You and your little ones will be back here in the states in less than a month. Just count down the days. When you get here, we can try to figure out a better arrangement than the one you have -- one that is better for you and has a light at the end of the tunnel. I know we can figure out something.

LOVE and hugs

Heather said...

Oh Val! I wish I could snap my fingers and make everything better for you. You'll be back here soon, and while it is only for a little bit, hopefully it will be enough to get you through the next 6 months. Maybe things will change with our new president.

I really do think you are dealing with this as best you can. Things have a way of working out. I'm sure this will turn around for you soon.

I can't wait to see you! We can go to Don Pablo's for some fake Mexican food!


Heather at Happy Chippy Junk said...

Hi! I love your blog! I dated and love a man from England...and I felt like I was on another planet when I visited. It was so hard. I don't understand your whole situation (I tried to peice it together) but find peace in knowing you are not alone!!