adjusting

I am still trying to adjust. But, the girls seem to be coming along rather well...

where I am going...

I have been talking with a few friends and trying to find a solution for my life but keep coming to the same conclusion that there is not a solution, only different places to go. It seems that life is not willing to work with me so I need to find a way to work with it.

I am still not sure what decisions need to be made right away but I have a feeling I know what I am supposed to do now. Although I don't want to put it out there for the world just yet.

I wanted to check in and update those few readers that are curious of what is going on in the Life of Val Saga.

Jorge is lonely. He misses all his girls dearly. We talk to him via Skype on the web cam daily. Bella talks about him all the time and Emily is still too young to really mention him on her own. It breaks my heart.

I have found that moving back has been much harder than anticipated. I am pretty good at pushing emotions to the side and doing the logical thing. It is not happening that way. I find myself just wishing to go back.

I know some of you know how I felt when I was down there and it doesn't make sense that I would want to go back. I just can't explain it where it would make any sense. The easiest way to describe it is my family is broken and going back would put it back together. I guess it is just realizing what is the number one priority.

I have some thinking to do but I have a goal in mind of where I am going.

where is my path?

Well, I am back and have been now for 3 weeks. It has been a rough adjustment. I haven't really felt like blogging or really doing much of anything. I don't have a job yet so I still don't have a routine in place that makes everything make sense.

I am living with my parents and that is hard on both parties. But, I am very thankful that they have taken me and my girls in...for however long we might need.

I just wanted to let my handful of readers know I am still here, not settled and am trying to get back in the groove of things.

Hopefully fun posts will follow soon!

it's closing in...

Reality is sinking in. He is getting sad and that makes me feel crappy. That's putting it lightly.

Nothing else to report.

it came to me...

I have been trying to think about things to blog about lately. I haven't come up with anything as you haven't seen any new posts in the past few days.

I kind of feel like I am just waiting, not living. Which, is not really good. I should be taking advantage of the last few weeks our family will be one. Who knows when we will all be together for any length of time. But, when Jorge works most of the day, it is hard to think of anything other than when I can get out of here.

But, this post isn't intended on beating into the ground the subject of me leaving Mexico. I think it has been talked about plenty. So, when that is all that I think about and nothing really happens in my life right now, what do I blog about.

Well, today I was sitting in here at the computer, Emily in her bed and Bella in the other room watching TV. At least I thought Bella was watching TV. She walks in here to me mad because something wasn't going well for her. I look at her and just start laughing. And, of course I immediately reach for my camera.

She had put on two shirts instead of a shirt and shorts. I have to say she got the shirt part on almost perfectly. Just shy one arm. That was a better job than I would have thought she could do.

I would have to say it is an innovative way to wear a shirt for shorts. And, if anyone can pull it off, it would be Bella. (The hair needs a little work.)

what's a happenin'

Nothing new has been going on lately. Been blog surfing, finding neat little projects I want to try when I get back to the States. I will soon have the advantage of finding all the supplies needed for all these projects that look so cute.

I have moved up my *departure* date. I originally had planned on coming back in mid October. Being here is just becoming increasingly harder. I am not ready to leave Jorge any earlier, but I just feel more trapped than ever. He understands and has been very supportive, so he said, "leave earlier". So, I am leaving in a month. I should be back by September 1st. We will probably head out of here on August 29. It is about a 33 hour drive. Yikes!

Jorge will drive us to the border and then will hop on a bus back here to Jalos. The girls and I will cross the border alone and keep driving and driving and driving. The last time I did that drive the girls were 16 months and 2 months old. So, surely this time should be a bit easier. Let's still keep our fingers crossed.

I ordered a cell phone and my mom is mailing it along with my new license plate. I wrote my resume yesterday, ready for my job search. I have been thinking about what I want to take back with me. I have never went across the border from Mexico to the US with a car load full of stuff, so I can only assume the border patrol will search through everything in the car. I don't want it to be a long process. That day is already going to suck. Like I want to stand there watching them take everything out of the car while I am crying.

So, I will probably only take clothes and toys this time around. About 6 months into my return I plan on bringing the girls back for an extended stay with Daddy. They will stay for about 4 months or so. At that time I can take back whatever other items I want, in preparation for getting my own place.

I am just ready to get back and get things going. I hate transitional times. It is like being trapped between the past and the future. Very uncomfortable for me.

creating a path

When something in my life is going to change, little or big, I make plans. I know that plans don't always happen the way you want or intended, but for me it is soothing to have them there, waiting on me.

I find that I interchange the word "plan" with "goal". To me they are one in the same. And I can see to others that it might seem I am setting myself up for disappointment because things are never concrete. Inevitably there will always be things that are out of my control, but I still believe that I control the path of my life. So, things might change but I can create the path that I follow. That is where the "plan" or "goal" comes in.

Now that you know my logic, I am going to share what my plan is. I haven't held back any other personal info on this blog before, so why start now. Plus, for me it helps if I tell others so it will help me stick to my words. It makes me want to prove myself. (That is the competitive side of me coming out.)

I had mentioned that I am going to move back to the State and I am going to stay at my parent's house. At first I will depend on them so I can get my feet back on solid ground. I will need their help while I recreate my life. While that is all good, living somewhere rent free until I can get back on my feet, I can't stay there forever. I need to set a time frame, a goal, of when I will get my own place.

Last night, while Jorge was still at work and the girls were down at the in laws, I had an idea. I created my path. Here it is for the world to see...

• After one year I will get an apartment (October 2010).


• While the girls are in Mexico, staying with daddy, I will get a part-time job for my evenings and/or weekends. Being a single mom with only the one income, it will be nice to create a cushion in case something should come up. And, this will occupy my time so I don't have to be in an empty house all the time.


• I am going to create a list of items I need for the apartment. This will allow me to have the year to accumulate all the furniture and such instead of doing it all at once. This is where I will call on my friends for help. If they see something at a good deal--at the store, thrift store, garage sale or through a friend--hopefully they will let me know.

Right now I am so excited about the new start that it hides all the bad *side effects* of what is going to happen. This new path of mine is getting closer, just two months. Well, I guess I am on it right now. I am on the path to a new life. I hope that Jorge's path and mine cross in the not so distant future.

bittersweet

My life has been turned around, shaken and stirred, thrown upside down and pretty much been a whirlwind the past year or so. Actually the past few years have been rather major ones in my book. Let's see, I have:

• built a house
• got married
• had a baby
• got promoted
• had another baby
• my husband was barred for 10 years from the US
• sold my house and almost all my belongings
• had to give up my job
• moved to Mexico

Now, the plan in place is to move back to the US. Of course my husband is not able to because some people in high places don't really think that is ok. And not for one minute do I regret that I moved down here in the first place. At the time there was no other options. I had to be there for Jorge. He needed us around him. He needed to meet his new daughter, Emily.

I have been talking with Jorge a lot about what we should do, what we can do and what we want to do. It is not a big secret that I am unhappy down here. I knew when I moved here it would be hard to adjust to life and it might take a while to get in the swing of things. But, it just isn't happening.

I try to seem ok and look at reasons why life isn't that bad but sometimes you can't put up a front any longer. I know, we should be thankful for our health. But, that is not all there is to life. If health is all we needed then more people should be content with their lives. That is just not realistic. Health is something we take for granted but shouldn't be all we expect.

Being down here has made me lose myself. If a few years back you asked some of my closest friends if they could ever imagine me being a house wife and mom they would laugh in your face. However, that is what I am and I feel that is all I am.

Jorge has told me that he wouldn't feel so bad about being here if it weren't for me. He is affected when he sees me unhappy. He knows this is super hard on me and it might not ever change. It is hard on him too. I understand that. But the difference is he goes to a job, is around his friends and family...has close to a normal life. Sure, he doesn't make as much money and can't just buy whatever he wants, but overall it seems similar to what he went though on a normal day back in the States. The scenery is different but his experiences are similar.

For me...let's just say it is like night and day. All the strong qualities that I was so proud of when I was in the US have disappeared. Looking in the mirror is like looking at a different person. I need to find the person I was. It might seem selfish to some of you but until you are really standing in the same set of shoes, you will never fully understand.

I don't remember where I heard this, but I always remember this, "Only you can make you happy". And I also understand that your mood can affect others. I don't want to be a negative person. I get irritated so easily and I know that is not fair for my husband or my daughters. I need to get back in touch with me. When that happens I feel like everything else will fall into place.

So, I am going to move back to the US. For the time being I will be a tenant in my parent's house and they seem to be excited about it. They wouldn't pass up a chance to be around the girls all the time. They will deal with me because I am part of the package deal. :) I plan on having the girls for at least 6 months and then I will take them down to Jorge so he can have time with them. That way I can visit my husband and the girls will stay with him for a few months. It will be hard, but I think this will allow me to find me again and keep me sane.

As sad as it will be for both Jorge and I to be apart and to be separated from the girls at some point, I feel this is the right thing to do. And, truthfully, I am excited about the change. I am excited to go and find me again.

changes

I changed the look and title of my blog as you see. I just didn't feel like the old title fit me anymore. Yes, I am living in Mexico, but I really don't want that to define me. Plus, this is just a temporary situation. How temporary is unknown but I still like to view it that way.

I have a few big decisions coming up in the somewhat near future and they involve my living arrangements and what I am to do with life. I just didn't want my blog to reflect anything about Mexico. I don't want to view that as a major part of my life. I see it as an obstacle, not life.

In a few short months the girls and I will be driving back to Indianapolis to live for a while. The plan is 6 months and then see what path we need to take. Deep down I would love to live there permanently. The problem with that is Jorge. He is stuck down here. Plus, we have the girls to factor in.

I tend to jump into future planning so quickly. I am going to try to slow down and just get the first 6 months going and then go from there. We can see how all of us feel and what we think is the right thing to do.

I just need to think positively and just have faith that things will work out how they are supposed to. I don't tend to like change but it is not always bad, right?

moving on...somewhere different

(This is my mom's house, my future temporary home)

The path of my future has changed. A decision has been made and it isn't what was originally planned.



We, well, I wanted to move away from Jalostotitlan. The beach sounded like a logical idea. Some place beautiful, plenty of outside space to play in and somewhere far away from here. And, how hard can moving from one place to the other be. Not such a challenge...if you live in the US.



The cost of living is a bit more in Puerto Vallarta. A close relative of mine was willing to loan us the money to make up the difference. So, the only thing stopping us from living in PV was a place to live. There are a surprising number of websites that list properties for rent, and they are even in English. I had our search narrowed down to a few different places, one in particular. But over the past few days I started feeling stressed and the idea of moving didn't feel right.



I am not saying I wouldn't LOVE to live by/at the beach. That would be a dream come true! But there were challenges that came up that I wasn't expecting and I couldn't get past.



We couldn't find a moving truck so all my belongings would have to stay in Jalos. Our search changed to find a furnished house. Sounds simple, but leaving my things behind was not easy for me to accept. I did that same thing just over a year ago when I left my life in Indiana. I had to sell the house and almost everything we owned. I just can't come to terms with doing it again. Especially since it has taken almost the full year (and lots of money) to get this house to feel like a home and decorated in our style. Leaving it all behind and moving into someones house that is horribly decorated and furnished sounds like torture!



I also rely on my job in the States to provide money that we desperately need to survive down here. I don't know how much longer I will have that position at the company. I wouldn't think I could hold on to it for another year. At that time I would have to go back to the States to find a job. We can't live off of Jorge's income. Then he would be in PV alone and we wouldn't have enough money to support that lifestyle. He will already be upset to be away from me and the girls, I wouldn't make him do it alone. He will need to be around his family and friends. In PV we would have a "real" year lease. So, he wouldn't be able to get out of it.



I would lose my babysitter. When I need time alone, or get a headache/don't feel well, or the girls are driving me nuts, I turn to Jorge's mom to watch the girls. She has been a real lifesaver! Being in a foreign city with no one that we know around, I could never have that option. That is scary!



So the decision was made last night that we would NOT be moving to PV. Even after that decision was made I still didn't feel right. I am stressed by money, ALWAYS! I can't stop thinking that my current position with Lovett Pallet has an ending and not knowing when that is just keeps me worried. I decided instead of waiting for that time to come to me I would take charge and deal with the issue.



In October (the 14th to be exact) the permit on my car expires. Instead of our usual trip to the border and back we are going to do something different. Once we get to the border Jorge will go to the bus station and go back to Jalos and I will take the girls and continue driving to Indiana. I plan to get a full-time job and stay in the US for at least 6 months. I want to save money so we can have a decent life down here in Mexico and not have to stress about money or me having a job all the time. I am not sure how long it will take me since I will have the extra expense of putting the girls in daycare, but I will get it done!



I am looking forward to having my independence back and living in the US again. I know it will be hard to say good-bye to Jorge in October, but this is best for our family and is only temporary. I am trying to see this as a good compromise. Jorge is always mentioning me going back to the States because he feels like he can't give me a good life down here. He wants me and the girls to feel comfortable. I know he will have a hard time with it, but hopefully with his long work hours he won't be thinking about it a lot. He will manage to keep himself busy.

moving on?

It has been over a year now that we have been living in this small town of Jalostotitlan in Mexico. It has been a rough transition because EVERYTHING is different. My entire life (minus my college years) I have lived in Indianapolis. There you could find anything you wanted from groceries to activities.

Mexico does not lack those *luxuries*. You just can't find them in small towns. Here are only locals so the need for a variety of groceries is not even a thought. The lack of rain creates a lack of green space, nice parks and outside activities. Being the only American causes constant stares, which is extremely annoying now.

Jorge's work hours cause another problem because he is gone most of the day. Between that and the fact there is no where to go I am stuck in the house all the time. I try to keep myself busy so I don't think about it, but it is almost impossible. I start to feel guilty because it effects the girls' lives. They are just as stuck as I am. They can't even play outside because there is nothing but a sidewalk and a street. Even during the rainy season it is not pleasant because no one takes care of the landscaping so all the plants and grass grow so fast it looks like a jungle.

I have been thinking for a long time about moving to a different place. We are stuck in Mexico not Jalostotitlan. I didn't really mention it to Jorge because I didn't know how he would feel about moving away from his family. The other day I decided to bring up the subject because he is always talking about going back to the States. I asked what he thought about moving to the beach. Living there would allow me and the girls to get out during the day, play outside and feel a little more relaxed being out of the house. Plus, it is FREE, the beach that is!

I started to narrow down where we might look to move because it is not as easy as the US to move. We don't have tons of websites with apartment rentals. There isn't a Penske or U-Haul down the road for us to rent a moving truck and it obviously takes money to get it done.

I finally narrowed it down to Puerto Vallarta. There are quite a few reasons.

• the beach!
• an international airport (the tickets are half the price of the airport I currently use which is an hour and a half away)
• close enough to here so we can visit Jorge's family
• it is a resort town so hopefully I might finally get some visitors (other than my parents...we like your company but want more!)
• very likely to find products that I love and miss since many Americans live/visit there
• entertainment/activities in the city we would live (we won't have to drive 1 1/2 hours one way to do something)
• tropical environment means we will get to see green!
• playing outside & at the beach with the girls and my husband (what a perfect way to end the day!)
• I am pretty sure I would be a lot happier because I could go somewhere by myself
• job opportunities for Jorge (speaking Spanish & English should really help his chances of finding a better job that hopefully pays more!)
• did I mention the beach? :)
• overall a much better life

There are a few kinks to work out to allow us to do this. I just hope we are able to because my hopes have been growing. I am just ready to feel like I am not trapped in my life. I know it might seem silly that I think moving to the beach would change my life, but it just feels like it will.

And, this is a little drawing I found last night that Jorge did. I am not sure he meant for me to see it, but it is really sweet.

I am crossing my fingers that we are able to do this!

photos...the good and the bad

Pictures are great. They capture times that you wish to always remember. But, at the same time they are rather good at being painful. The digital age allows us to look back so easily at all those good times. It is those same good times that can sometimes bring you heartbreak.

I was just looking at some older pictures on my computer and came across these pictures of Bella and Emily within a week of Emily being born. How small both of them were.




I also ran across these pictures. They are of the times when life made sense and things seemed to be going well. We were building a life. Thoughts of the girls running around in the backyard, playing in a blow-up pool, cookouts with family and friends. Trips to Kroger to get anything you need. Just a different time.

We had just had the house built. We opted again the builder putting down sod and did it ourselves. Having no grass allowed us to easily (well, let's use that term lightly) put a patio out back. Jorge was so proud of himself. He did it pretty much all by himself. It is all this work and love for something that makes it hard when you look back at what you had. I realize that all of these things are just that, things. But, they are also a life, a start of a family, and a comfortable way of life. These are the things when I think about them makes this journey a bit harder to swallow.


So, when I see pictures of the house it makes me think about how easy and nice life seemed to be. Not that it was always peachy keen, just now I want it back. The house we rent now is not uncomfortable and other than not having a dishwasher and garbage disposal, it has all the comforts of an average house. I guess it wasn't what I wanted or planned so it might never be good enough. I need to get over it, I know, but how?

(That is Bella on the corner of the couch.)

When I get sad about being here Jorge is always sweet about it. He asks me if I want to go back, back to the US. The problem is there is nothing to go back to. The good days I have here are ones where I just don't think about anything. My average day is working on the computer, doing dishes and/or laundry, feeding/bathing/playing with the girls and watching TV then going to bed. A girl can only stay in that state for so long and that is when I have my bad days.

I am not even having a bad day today, just this seems to be on my mind. I think I am trying to figure out how to deal with this. You would think after a year I would be used to all of it and stop thinking about. I guess not, though.

one year

Yesterday marked my one year anniversary of being in Mexico. It was yesterday one year ago that I crossed the border in Nuevo Laredo to move down here. It was a long and rough trip and I didn't think I was going to make it.

About 4 am on May 2, 2008 I headed out of my house for the last time on Wildcat Run Lane with the Pacifica loaded and with Emily and Bella. We had a lot of road ahead of us. Emily was 2 months and Bella was 16 months. I didn't know what I was getting into. I am sure most people that I was nuts for doing it alone. To me I didn't want to intrude on anyone else. I thought this way I could push through the crying and drive just a bit longer or I could stop as much as we needed (to change diapers, mix formula or whatever) without bothering anyone.

Thanks to many, I had enough gas cards to make it almost the entire way to the border. I also got a McDonald's gift card and that was our stop of choice. We still have those Happy Meal toys (American Idol toys to be exact).



I had pretty much been an emotional wreck for those last 3 months in the States. It was February 5, 2008 that I got the call from Jorge telling me they had barred him for 10 years. I was 8 months pregnant with Emily and realized that I was on my own. It didn't take us long to come to the conclusion that I would be moving to Mexico. I decided that I would have Emily, wait for the birth certificate and social security card and then head down.



I had to pack up my entire life and move. I sold as much as I could. I moved a few dressers to my mom's house and had the crib sent down to Mexico, but all other furniture slowly vanished from the house.



I had a massive garage sale where I made over $1500 for my belongings. I occasionally would grab items from the sale and take them in the house, always thinking I could make room in the car. And, let me tell you, it is an odd feeling to sell things you really weren't wanting to part with.



After 18 hours on the road I just couldn't go any further. I had originally planned to get to Austin, but 10 pm rolled around and I was exhausted! I decided to look for a hotel. Problem was that everyone else was too. It was right around graduation time and they were having all these conferences at that time. Let me tell you it is not the easiest thing running in to the hotels just to be told they had no rooms with the girls. Finally I stumbled across a hotel with ONE room left. I took it!



The next morning I woke up to find a flat tire. Remember, I have the Pacifica packed so full that I don't think a mouse could have farted in there. Well, that is where the spare is. It was 6 am and I was in full on panic. At this point all I wanted to do is get on the road and cross the border to find Jorge. He had taken a bus to the border so he could drive the rest of the way down. Plus, we just wanted to see him after our three month separation. I asked the guy at the front desk and he was no help. He handed me the phone book. Thanks, buddy! No place was open or if I did get a hold of someone it was a million hour wait. Finally I got a hold of a guy that said he would be right over. He said he could patch the tire so I could drive and get a new one. There was a Wal-Mart that the automotive department opened at 7 am. Thankfully they had my tire in stock. I think they only had 2, but I only needed one.



After a few tears and more stress, I finally got back on the road. We crossed over the border and immigration on the Mexican side was kind and just let me through. They didn't care about what I had in the car. I guess they saw a white girl and her two little girls and thought I wouldn't be carrying any guns or money. He asked if I knew where I was going and told me to be careful and keep my windows ups. There are people that stand on the corners of the intersections and ask for money.




I knew where the building was to check in me and the vehicle. I was there 2 years ago. I pulled into the parking lot and immediately saw Jorge! What a relief! I suddenly felt ok. I think I was just tired of doing it alone.

(First time Jorge saw Emily!)

We got to Jalostotitlan the next day because we had to stay in a hotel due to the tire issue that previous morning. I was happy to be here but at the same time I couldn't believe how much I left behind.

It took about 3 months to get past all the stress and sadness that I was experiencing. I had major culture shock. Nothing was the same. My life had changed overnight and not by choice. After that period I felt ok. Of course I have good and bad days. But, it has now been a year. I don't know what the future holds but I have come to realize that is not what life is about. It is the present not the future that counts. Concentrate on what is at hand and things will hopefully work out.

lack of posts

I have been trying to think of blog entries lately but have come up blank. I started this blog to shed light on living in Mexico and to note the differences vs. the US. I wanted to stay away from writing about the girls because I didn't think that would be of interest to most people reading. Not that I don't love talking about them, just that this is "Life in Mexico".

I guess my problem is that I don't see things to be odd anymore. Well, some things yes, but most no. My parents were down for a visit a few weeks back and to hear them talking about all the differences was kind of funny. These were now the things I have become used to.

My life is here now and the differences are not so apparent. This is my normal. I still miss certain things from the US. The ability to hop in the car and drive to Target to pick up some things. Or, if I get an itch to do a project, the ability to find whatever the project calls for. Those little things are what I miss. Of course I miss family and friends but Skype and email have made the distance easier.

I have made a home here and am very comfortable. Yes, there are still plenty of stresses, but that is life. I have chose to not worry about the future or things I have no control over. We will cross those bridges when they come.

This blog might take a turn away from talking about Mexico vs. the US because I just don't notice them as much. My life here is pretty boring so most likely there will be more posts about the girls because they will probably offer some funny stories.

So, I hope all of you continue reading and enjoying my stories.

five months and counting

I have been living in Jalostotitlan, Jalisco, Mexico for just over 5 months now. It is definitely a different world down here. Third World to be exact.

It has been great (most of the time) to be with the girls as a stay-at-home mom. Seeing them grow and learn everything is something I wouldn't have been able to do as much in the US. Bella is already 21 months and Emily is 7 months.
Life is predictable down here. Every day is pretty much the same as the day before. It is easy to lose track of what day it is. Surprisingly time is going by quickly. Not quick enough as far as our 10 year stint. Hopefully (crossing fingers) it won't be 10 yeas. We don't look ahead that far anymore. We concentrate on the present. The lesson was a hard one to learn.
We have been blessed with the support of everyone and the understanding that this is unfortunately something we had to do. It is hard being thousands of miles away from all my family and friends. I get homesick every now and again.

For Jorge this has been a double-edged sword. He gets to see family now, but he had been Americanized so he misses the States a lot. We had a great life started there and we had to up-root everything and start over.

I thought I would start (again) writing a blog so people can see what my life is like down here. Also, it will be interesting to read older post to see how my attitude changes about different situations.

I hope you enjoy reading the entries and hope that I can make them interesting enough for repeat business.

Thank goodness for technology. It has kept me sane in all of the madness of this whole mess.