Tuesday, May 05, 2009

photos...the good and the bad

Pictures are great. They capture times that you wish to always remember. But, at the same time they are rather good at being painful. The digital age allows us to look back so easily at all those good times. It is those same good times that can sometimes bring you heartbreak.

I was just looking at some older pictures on my computer and came across these pictures of Bella and Emily within a week of Emily being born. How small both of them were.

I also ran across these pictures. They are of the times when life made sense and things seemed to be going well. We were building a life. Thoughts of the girls running around in the backyard, playing in a blow-up pool, cookouts with family and friends. Trips to Kroger to get anything you need. Just a different time.

We had just had the house built. We opted again the builder putting down sod and did it ourselves. Having no grass allowed us to easily (well, let's use that term lightly) put a patio out back. Jorge was so proud of himself. He did it pretty much all by himself. It is all this work and love for something that makes it hard when you look back at what you had. I realize that all of these things are just that, things. But, they are also a life, a start of a family, and a comfortable way of life. These are the things when I think about them makes this journey a bit harder to swallow.

So, when I see pictures of the house it makes me think about how easy and nice life seemed to be. Not that it was always peachy keen, just now I want it back. The house we rent now is not uncomfortable and other than not having a dishwasher and garbage disposal, it has all the comforts of an average house. I guess it wasn't what I wanted or planned so it might never be good enough. I need to get over it, I know, but how?

(That is Bella on the corner of the couch.)
When I get sad about being here Jorge is always sweet about it. He asks me if I want to go back, back to the US. The problem is there is nothing to go back to. The good days I have here are ones where I just don't think about anything. My average day is working on the computer, doing dishes and/or laundry, feeding/bathing/playing with the girls and watching TV then going to bed. A girl can only stay in that state for so long and that is when I have my bad days.
I am not even having a bad day today, just this seems to be on my mind. I think I am trying to figure out how to deal with this. You would think after a year I would be used to all of it and stop thinking about. I guess not, though.


Cutzi said...

I know you may not be looking for encouragement but I do wish I had just the right words to encourage you with.

I'm am praying for you though.

Also, I looked it up and my brother and grandmother (whom I've never met) live only 125 miles from you. I hope to get down to meet them one day soon... maybe I'll swing by your place. ;-)

grandmamargie said...

I just found your blog a couple days ago and went back and read all the archives. The pictures of your house are beautiful. Did you have to sell it too? What kind of work does your husband do there in Mexico? Do you live close to his family? Just curious, or maybe even a little nosey. Sorry.