Thursday, June 25, 2009

life as a yo yo

It seemed for a short time I was feeling pretty good about things. It looked as if things were going to be ok and work out. But, unfortunately, that was short lived.

Lately I haven't been feeling like that. I don't have anything lined up (job or child care) for my return to the States. And, if you know me I am the ultimate planner. If something is coming up, I have everything set. Not having things in place is just making me feel uneasy. Plus, it gets me thinking about things long term.

I can't stop thinking about how long are we going to be living in a state where we are unsure of everything. When will we just be settled and feel like our lives can be somewhat normal? I know, who's life is really normal, but I feel like ours is off the charts. We will never be able to just enjoy life. Constantly worrying about money and family separation is exhausting.

At first I was really excited about coming back to the US. The thought of coming close to being *normal* was such a dreamlike thought. But, when I go back it will not be normal. As much as I want the *normal* things of the US, my home and husband are here in Mexico. Last night Jorge was really upset just thinking about being separated from the girls for so long. I know there are plenty of families (military, travelling salespeople, etc) that are away from each other for periods of time but they choose that life. We didn't plan for or want that kind of life.

I don't know if I can make enough money to pay for daycare and save money to come back. Once I come back I will have no job. So, the money saved will run out and we will have to do this all over again. Or, will I be able to come back? What if I can't make enough? The economy is not the best for job searching every so many months. My resume will start to look like a jumbled mess. Will I have to leave the girls in Mexico? I can't even image being apart from them. But can I afford to pay for 2 little ones in daycare? And one of the most frustrating thing is that the money we need is really to pay for the car. I do pay for a few other things too but that is not much. So, can we go without a car? I just don't think we can.

I don't even like to think about not being around these two faces everyday. I cry just thinking about it. For Jorge it is his reality. I feel so sad for him.

Those are all questions that I don't think the average person will even have to think about. I am just stressed and need to put this down somewhere. I do really want to think things will work out or be thankful that we have our health, but it is hard. How can I put these thoughts and feelings to rest? I read Penny's blog yesterday and I wish I felt that way. Not that I am bored, just can't see the richness of life.

No comments: